Waiting is hard

Isaiah 40:31 But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.

1 Samuel 1: 27 For this child I prayed, and the LORD has granted me my petition that I made to him. “So I have also dedicated him to the LORD; as long as he lives he is dedicated to the LORD.

Phillipian 4:6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Jeremiah 29: 11-13 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.  Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you.…

Jeremiah 1:5 “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.” 

James 1: 2-4 Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,[a] whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

I shared in previous posts, about our loss.  The loss of two sweet little lives that I so anxiously await meeting in heaven.  Those lives will forever be precious to me.  Since that first loss, God has been working on my heart, so very much.  I dont like it…its been painful.  Growing is hard.  Its come to my attention that there was ugliness in corners of my heart.  I thought I had dealt with the ugly, gotten rid of it, but it was there, hiding and lurking and keeping me from being usable.  But, God has been faithful and has been helping me to clean that mess up, whether im ready or not.  These have been hard months.  Im not sure, I have ever cried as much as I have in the past few months.  I have questioned my faith, I have questioned myself.  Through every question,  God’s voice has been solid.

 “Wait, have hope, I got this.”  

So many times I just wanted to scream.  “I am waiting!  Im trying to be hopeful!  You wont let me have it!”  Looking back, I was acting, with God, alot like my tantrum throwing two year old when she doesnt get her crackers a-s-a-p.  Seems so silly now.  Its hard to wait and be patient and have hope when you cant see that things will work out.  I felt like I needed to know things were going to work out my way before I could trust.  Thats really not how it works, by the way.

So I have been working at being patient, content, having hope…I am no good at it.  Not at all…God really has his work cut out for Him with me…I dont understand why God does what he does.  I guess I really dont have to understand it.  Im just supposed to wait and have hope.

So while all this heavy heart stuff is going on, the physical tests were happening too.  After both miscarriages, I had some pretty severe bleeding issues and no one could figure out why.  So the doctor gave us specific orders, not to get pregnant, so we could look into my health and make sure I was well enough to try and carry a child again.  Darren and I dont listen well…within two weeks, I found out I was pregnant again!  Oh.so.may.emotions.  Of course, we were excited, of course we wanted to be happy, but it was hard.  What we really felt was fear and a strong desire not to get attached.  Darren and I both cried when we saw the positive pregnancy test.  Our hearts just hurt at the possibility of going through another loss.  I saw the doctor the next day.  He shook his head at me and smiled.  “well, your labs look good, we will keep a close eye on you and hope for the best!”  So for the next couple weeks they drew labs again and again.  My arms looked like I was a drug user.  Sore, bruised…three weeks in, the nurse called and said my progesterone was down, but the HCG, or pregnancy hormone was still rising.  “Lets just start some progesterone injections.”  My heart sank.  I did the shots the last two times, they didnt work, all I gained was a severely sore bum.  But there was that voice “Wait, have hope, I got this”  At six weeks, they had me come in for a sono.  The last two sonos there was no heartbeat.  I wasnt hopeful for this one.  But, there it was!  That heartbeat was strong.  I cried in happiness, but still, my heart couldnt rejoice.  I was too afraid to feel.  Darren voiced the same concerns.  By this time, the morning sickness was in full swing.  I wasnt holding much down at all.  It was hard to participate in life at all.  I didnt feel well and the fatigue was intense.  The progesterone shots just made the symptoms amplified.  I tried to be thankful for feeling so poorly, maybe that means baby is doing ok?!  But still, I worried.  I worried constantly.  I tried “giving it to God”, thats alot easier said than done.  I tried logic and reason…but still worry.  At week 10, the nausea stopped abruptly.  I felt great.  Thats how I knew the last two pregnancies had ended, sudden loss of symptoms.  I called the doctor to get my lab results from the previous day.  My progesterone had dropped from 40 to 20.  “come in right away” the nurse says.  My heart sank.  I just knew I had lost this baby.  Again, loss, pain, alone, scared…all the emotions from before came flooding back.  I cried the whole way to the doctors office.  While in the car, every song that came on the radio was about hope and Gods plan.  I fought with God the whole way.  “How can I have hope?!” I told Him.  “How can I trust the plan!?”  Song after song….there was that voice again “Wait, have hope, I got this.”  When I finally got to the office, I prayed.  I prayed that the baby would be ok, but if it werent, i prayed for strength.  I acknowledged that God had a plan and asked for the strength to trust in it.  I went into the office, still fearing loss.

My midwife came into the sono with me and held my hand.  The mood was so tense and sad.  We all were afraid to look.  BUT, there on the screen was my little baby.  Heartbeat was strong.  baby even had hiccups!  Such a beautiful sight!!  As I walked back to the car, I realized my heart was joyful!  Joy, the feeling I had not let myself feel yet, for this child.  The emotion I kept turning off to protect my heart from pain.  It couldnt be squelched anymore.  I felt joy for this baby and joy felt good.  I laughed with God when I got back to the car.  “See!” He seemed to say to me.  ” I tried to hold you, I tried to offer you words of peace through the songs.  I was there, you were too stubborn to hear it.  I GOT this!”  He told me.

Fast forward to the next week…the whole family gets hit hard with strep and influenza B.  We were all terribly sick.  The morning sickness symptoms were back, possibly worse than ever and the flu is simply just not fun.  After a week, I thought I was well enough to go back to work.  I was wrong!  After passing out at work, I ended up in the ER for fluids.  While there, I started having terrible abdominal pain, it felt very familiar….contractions….here we go, we are going to loose this baby.  Fear was at it again!  I spent all day in the ER, fluids, EKG, several sonos.  But again, despite the contractions, there is that sweet baby on the screen, oblivious to anything going on, just swimming around, doing what little babes in the womb do.  The sono tech was sweet, she let us watch for a very long time.  reassuring us of just how precious and perfect that little mite was.  Thankfully, the contractions stopped as the fluids went in.  The sono did reveal that there was a large sunchorionic hemorrhage around the baby.  The ER doc was pretty clueless as to the significance of this, but sent me home, on bedrest, and asked me to follow up with the OB on Monday.   Every cough and sneeze over the weekend made me nervous.  Fear again….Monday I followed up with the doctor.  The hemorrhage was shrinking and solidifying and because of its placement, likely wouldnt be a threat to baby. So encouraging to hear that!  So, I still have to be mindful of my activities, while the rest of it heals, but baby looks great.

Darren and I have waited and waited to tell people about this pregnancy because we were so fearful of having to again tell of loss.  We have hid and made excuses for my sickness.  I have been a hermit in my home, trying to conceal.  We wanted to wait for that time, when all was well with baby, for certain.  But, through the repeated “scares” I have learned, that living in fear is simply not living at all!  Its time to let the world know about this sweet little, so they can rejoice with us and pray with and for us.  Its time to put that fear away and embrace the joy.

So, I hope, if you are still reading this long winded post, that you will rejoice with us, and offer us some encouragement and tell us to knock off our worrying and enjoy this time.  We apparently, need to be reminded often.

Eva and Levi are very excited.  Little Emma hasnt a clue what is going on, except that mommy pukes…ALOT.  Eva just NEEEEEDS a boy baby so Levi can have a buddy and “stay out of my stuff”.  Levi wants a girl baby because he “loves his girl baby Emma so much!”  Mommy and Daddy just want baby to get here safely.

I hope someone finds this story encouraging, no matter what your trial is, remember.

“Wait, be hopeful and let God Handle this!”

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