Felling a bit melancholy today, as it would have been my due date with angel #1. My heart aches for that child and not being able to know its sweet face and hear its sweet baby giggles or watch it grow. But, I am also filled with joy to be carrying this sweet little. God’s plan is perfect and I take comfort in knowing that sweet angel is basking in the glory of our Lord this morning!
As of Sunday, I am 13 weeks. thebump.com tells me that baby is the size of a peach and is working on developing vocal chords this week. How a baby grows in the womb simply fascinates me. How they can go from a lump pf cells to a little baby with fingers and toes and perfect little ears in just a matter of weeks! If that doesnt speak to a creator, nothing will! This baby is doing some serious growing! Its a week ahead of schedule. Last night I went shopping to look for a dress to wear to a wedding this weekend. I went to the Motherhood store. Upon trying on the first dress, the sales rep sweetly asked me how far along I was. “13 weeks” I said. her jaw dropped as she replied “with twins right?!” Nope, just one. My belly obviously remembers how to grow! I just have this gut feeling this baby will be “the big one”. The nausea has lessened significantly. I still have bad days and still cant brush my teeth without throwing up, but I am able to eat a bit and havent needed the nausea medication in 4 days! Praise the Lord, I hate having to take that poison. I have gained back the 7 pounds I lost while sick and my weight is holding steady now. I missed food, so much. It still hard to eat breakfast and lunch but usually dinner is a nice, big meal. The fatigue is better too. I could still nap at just about any time, but Im capable of staying awake when I need to now. Its so easy, though, to find myself anxious and worried about feeling better. I try just to be thankful, but there is a small voice in my mind of doubt that fears feeling better might mean something is wrong. I am so thankful for Darren, my voice of reason, who constantly reminds me to just breathe and try to enjoy the day.
I am grateful for feeling better because busy season has started for Darren and that means single parenting. Busy season is taxing, on everyone. The kids are thrown out of their normal routine and they miss their daddy so much. This past week they went 5 days without seeing him. Levi announced that he planned on being “bad so daddy will come home”. I get taxed trying to handle the kids and the house and the errands and the neverending list of whatevers. Darren comes home exhausted and usually collapses on the couch. Everyone’s love tank runs a little low during this time. its no one’s fault and this season is necessary so that we can live comfortably the rest of the year. I am really working hard this year to focus on using this hard time for good. Working on finding ways to connect with the kids. Finding ways to connect with Darren even though we barely talk or spend time together. I working on not trying to be perfect. I cant do it all. The house will look lived in, for a while. We may cheat and eat some processed foods for a while. Its ok, we will all survive. For a time, we will have to say no to the extra commitments. There is too much to do on the home front. The focus, is love and connection. Busy seasons will always be a part of life, so its time to figure out how to handle them better. Let me say this, I have so much respect for real single parents. Its not an easy job at all and I commend them for their selfless work!
I am learning, slowly, that its so important to have a “tribe”. A core group of people to offer help and support. I have never been one to ask for help or admit that Im struggling. Being sick has forced me to ask for help. My mother in law has been a huge support. She makes herself available whenever and however she can to make sure our needs are met and I so appreciate her. I have been really putting myself out of my comfort zone in the past few months to make connections with other moms. What I have learned, is that support is so important. The older “been there done that moms” and the “im walking in your shoes moms”. They all have a unique perspective to share and I appreciate the ladies that have come along side of me as a sounding board for ideas and concerns and a safe place to find that needed support.
Life is pretty much nuts at this moment but I am making a conscious choice to rejoice in the day, prioritize the needs and focus on whats most important, and thats love and connection. If my kids and husband feel loved and cared for…the important work is done. We do live in this house and its ok, that it looks like it from time to time 🙂