Darren and I really struggled with getting excited about this pregnancy, at first. I was just so afraid to get attached and lose another baby. Some days I still feel myself pulling away a bit, trying to “keep my distance”. I really am trying to savor every moment and rejoice through what very well may be our last pregnancy, but doubt is there. In a way, Im thankful, I never will take life for granted again. When I finally do get to hold this rainbow baby, it will be with so much more appreciation than I ever could have known before. Through trials we grow.
A few weeks ago, I started passing out. Thats not terribly abnormal for me, especially when I get anemic, so I went to the doc. Sure enough, my ferritin, or stored iron, was at 0. It should be around 300. Normally I get iron infusions to get the level back up, but the effects of iron drugs in pregnancy is unknown. There are no studies on safety or how i might effect the baby. But, low iron in pregnancy is also dangerous to the baby. In fact, I was induced with Eva because she didnt grow appropriately in utero, because of the low iron. I had a phone conference with my hematologist and a pharmacist and also consulted with the other hematologists in the office and it was decided that the risk of not treating was too great. So, Once again, I relinquished control and put my trust in God, to keep this baby safe. This probably sounds trivial, but for me, it was a huge decision. Im not sure how I would deal with the guilt if this in some way harmed the baby. Thankfully, the infusions seem to have had no effect on baby and I feel so much better than I did! Now that Im feeling better, its sent me into nesting mode! Getting things done feels good after months of laying on the couch feeling like death. Im ready to enjoy the rest of this pregnancy!
I am 18 weeks along now. I can feel baby kicking finally! I have an anterior placenta, which means nothing other than the placenta is to the front of the uterus so feeling baby move takes alot longer. It wasnt until this week that I could feel baby and really knew for sure, thats what I was feeling. I cant wait for the kicks to be strong enough for the kids to feel. They are so excited. Especially Eva, who is actively planning a gender reveal party. I just love that girl 🙂 I still struggle with nausea and occasional puking, but for the most part, am feeling much more normal. My only “complaints” now are the leg cramps and braxton hicks contractions that seem to be constant. 12 more days until the gender sono and 2 weeks until the halfway point!
I have delivered three healthy kiddos and two angels to date, so I am no stranger to labor and the pain associated. But none of those labors went the way that I planned for them. Eva had to be induced for medical reasons. First time mom, whose body was in no way ready to deliver meant an epidural, IV pain meds and alot of body trauma. I was so drugged, I dont even remember her first three days of life! I was also induced with Levi, and had a doctor who did not do things on my terms, which lead to a high stress delivery. With Emma, they told us she was stillborn. Of course they were wrong, she was perfectly healthy! So needless to say, I have not had that “empowering” birth experience so many moms talk about. This time will be different. Of course I cant predict what happens in the delivery room, but I can go in more educated and empowered to make decisions. I have spent the last year researching cervical checks and continuous monitoring and pain management techniques and you name it. A new care provider was the number one change that needed to be made to have a better birth. Thankfully I found a great doctor and a fabulous midwife that hold very similar views and are great advocates for evidence based practice. Mary, our midwife, has been with me, literally holding my hand at times, supporting and caring and encouraging. Thats a special trait in a provider that I do not take for granted! So I already know just having a supportive provider will make a huge difference! We have also hired a doula! (In case you dont know what a doula is: http://pregnancy.about.com/cs/doulas/a/doulas.htm) We had considered a doula, with emma’s birth, but I told myself this was my third child and I knew what I was doing. But after her birth was so awful, I knew I wanted better for next time. I have never labored without an epidural, because my nerve pain from my back was so severe, but thats not an option now that I have had back surgery, so this delivery will be medication free! That scares me to death, but I know with support and someone helping me manage the pain, its totally doable. So…we are armed…with a team and a plan.
Now its time to kick back and enjoy the days. Im so ready for summer vacation!!! All three kiddos at home, all summer. Nothing makes my mama heart happier then that! We have some serious relaxing and playing to do 🙂