“If I only pay attention to God at the pinnacle of crisis,
I have created a situation where I will see one crisis following another in order for God to have my attention.”
I saw this quote this morning and it really struck my heart. This past year has been riddled with crisis. My faith has grown. But, its so easy, when things are going well, to stop making my relationship with Christ a priority. I am so guilty of really only communicating intentionally when I need something. Its not intentional, life is busy and the days fly by. But thats the problem, its not intentional. Just like any relationship, being intentional is they key to success.
The beginning of this pregnancy was rough, physically and emotionally. Once I was a few weeks in the second trimester, I finally felt like I could relax and take some time to appreciate growing this life inside me. But, that period was short lived. I have a history of tachycardia, or fast hear rate. It has caused me some minor issues both pregnant and not. Three weeks ago, this fast heart rate started developing into something more. It beat so fast, that doing daily chores and working became very difficult. I went to the doctor for some preliminary labs, which were all normal. We agreed to just keep an eye on it and decrease my activity. It got worse. Now chest pain developed and the shortness of breath is debilitating. Migraines started. If I attempt to push it, I pass out. These past two weeks have been filled with lab draws, IV’s, ER visits, heart monitors and a general feeling that I may suffocate at any moment. It has not been pleasant to say the least. Today, we got the heart monitor results that show my heart is very “irritable”. This means that there is a large variance in my pulse rate as well as many extra heart beats. Its not clear yet, if this is significant, to my cardiac health or not. So, while we wait on more testing, I have been placed on bed rest as a precaution. The good news is, that baby seems to be fairing just fine through all of this. In fact, he is doing so well he is 2 weeks ahead of schedule! Every kick I feel from him is a comfort knowing that he is ok, despite how I feel.
As I sat in the doctors office parking lot this am, a place I have sat many times over the past year and cried out to God, I realized, that God and I have not directly spoken in some time. I dont exactly know how long its been. I’m ashamed to even think about it. Things were going so well, and I stopped “needing” Him to get through every minute. Sure, Ive prayed for my dinner and said a quick prayer of thanks or prayed in church, but its been a while since I really took time to stop and to listen. I realized, today, how much I still need direction and guidance and friendship and love, from my creator, even when things are going well. Once again, He has my attention and it took a sort of crisis to do it. Its not that I decided to stop…life just takes over and becomes full of hustle and bustle and your priorities become mangled and your focus shifts. It happens so easily and so quickly.
This baby was to be my “do over baby” in so many ways. He will be a rainbow baby after loss. He has been proof that my body was not ruined and could still make life. It was my intention, to have with him, the births I never got to have with the others. A birth where I felt empowered and in control. A natural birth. I worked to seek out a team to help me achieve this. Ive read books and articles to prepare. I have dreamed about my husband supporting me through such an endeavor and then holding that sweet, healthy, baby on my chest at last. I have dreamed about that moment, and the healing it will bring, so often. My plans seem to be becoming just a dream. No one has told me I cant follow through with labor, but with my current condition and him being breech, its time to come to grips with the fact that things may not go according to my plan. Once again, I am looking to find peace in the idea that Gods plan may be different than my plan. I have to come to terms with the idea that things may not go exactly as I have thought them out in my head. This past week, more than one doctor has told me its probably wise to not get pregnant again. if we do decide to have more kids, it should be after a considerable amount of time. They feel that my body needs time to heal and rest. I dont disagree with them, but those words sting in a deep part of my soul. I love my children and consider myself amply blessed and content to have each of them, but the idea of no more, at this moment, still grieves me in some ways. The finality of it, I suppose, is a hard emotion for a mother to work through. Knowing this may be the last baby, makes me want to experience birth. and every milestone thereafter, to the fullest even more. Its a hard feeling to put into words. At this point, I just have to surrender those emotions with an understanding that Gods vision is far more reaching than mine.
The beauty of grace, is that even though I dont act as I should. Even though I dont love as I should. I can again and again be forgiven. Grace is an overabundance of do-overs and chances to try again. What a gift that God’s love doesnt run out and isnt fickle like our own. What joy is found in knowing, that we can start new tomorrow! So, tomorrow, I start. Start re-cultivating a relationship I had unintentionally pushed aside. Not just because I need a strong hold in the crisis, but because I realize, I need a strong hold every day, despite the circumstance.
I would really appreciate some prayers. Wisdom and guidance for the doctors as we work to determine how significant these issues are and if I am safe to labor. Prayers for our family as mom being out of commission requires and adjustment from everyone. Prayers that little baby stays unstressed and safe through all of this.