The Ache

I have read this blog, time and time again in the last two years. Its beautifully written and speaks directly to my heart.

http://sarahbessey.com/learning-live-ache/

The author is discussing “the ache” of being done having children.  I first read it after our miscarriages, when I wasnt sure we could have any more babies.  I read it again when I was pregnant with Lukas and so sick and I knew my body couldnt safely carry any more babies.  I read it again today, while I rocked Lukas to sleep.  Even though he is still tiny, the ache is already there.  Knowing that he will likely be our last, causes an ache in my soul so deep.  I have been feeling this ache so strongly since I became pregnant with him and knew, for my health’s sake, there should be no more.  Before he was even born, I ached for the end of this era.

People often tell me that I should just be thankful for the children I have.  I am.  They are my world.  I love every stitch that they are comprised of.  I love how they are so different, and yet, the same in many ways.  I love the ways I see myself and their daddy in them.  I love that he and I made them.  I love that they are a testament of our love.  I smile when Eva begs me to clean something.  She definitely inherited her desire for clean and order from her daddy.  I love how Levi wants to do everything daddy does.  I love that Emma is so me…Im not sure the world is really ready for two of us, but thats too bad, because she truly is, my mini me.  I love, that I see bits and pieces of all my babies in Lukas.  He really is the completion of us all.  Our missing link, if you will.  But still, the ache, of knowing there will be no more little people being created, is so strong.

I am ready, on most days to enjoy the baby-less days.  I want to be able to experience new things, that are hard to do with a wee one.  I want to take the kids fishing and camping and hiking and go ice skating.  To join the other sunbathing moms at that pool, who chat and relax while the kids play.  I am so ready to have the ability to have a conversation with another human being without being needed by someone every two minutes.  So, very, ready.  But still, I ache?

I hold Lukas and sniff his baby head, while he nurses and my heart is conflicted between pure bliss and an intense desire to be able to get off this couch and do something.  I get annoyed with myself and my constant state of conflict.

“The Ache reminds me of the great and terrible beauty I have seen, of what love I have experienced, of the sorrow and brokenness of loss, of all the love that is still here, of the wonder and miracle of life, of the sweetness of co-creation, of the labour and release, of transcendence.”

Its hard to let go of something so deep.  Its hard to let go of what was, to be open to what will be.  My oldest is no longer a baby.  She is six now and in so many ways, so grown.  I love this new phase with her, to see her personality blossom and her independence grow.  I love that we can talk about more than her desire for pretzels and need for bathroom assistance.  I love that she confides in me about her likes and dislikes and troubles with friends.  I love that we can giggle about things the little kids dont understand.  Gosh, I just love her and this time.  So, as I ache for the chapter that is coming to a close, I am so excited by the chapters to come.  My heart will probably never stop aching for babies, probably not until I some day have grandchildren.  I will grieve for the last time I nurse Lukas to sleep.  And when he takes his first steps, I will rejoice with him and then cry, realizing he is my last baby to hit that milestone.  And every milestone from here on out, will have that twinge of bittersweet.

“It’s simply the Ache of time passing, because this is what time does, and our souls are noticing the passing of a season, and it’s okay. It’s okay to let it Ache. It means we’re living and it means we’re loving our life as it stands, loving it enough to notice a transition away.”

I so appreciate this fellow mama’s words.  They speak directly to my soul.  “its okay to let it ache”.  Yes, yes it is.  Its okay to mourn the ending of this chapter.  I mourn it because I have loved it.  But, I cant let the ache take away from the joy of new things to come.  Because some day soon, I will be aching for those days too.

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