Genesis 9:13 God said, “This is the sign of the covenant which I am making between Me and you and every living creature that is with you, for all successive generations; 13I set My bow in the cloud, and it shall be for a sign of a covenant between Me and the earth. 14“It shall come about, when I bring a cloud over the earth, that the bow will be seen in the cloud,…
Tomorrow Lukas turns six months old. Its also the anniversary of the due date for our first angel baby; what would have been Baby’s first birthday. All of the emotions are flooding my heart.
I never talked about the miscarriages with the kids. They really had no idea anything was wrong, either time. I just never knew what to say or how to say it. As time has passed, we have had brief conversations, here and there, about our babies in heaven, but I always brushed past the topic quickly. Its hard to explain to a child. Its hard to explain to myself.
I have been feeling, for some time, that I wanted to do something special to mark this day. To remember the babies we lost and celebrate the baby we have. I thought about of all sorts of ideas and spent time searching pinterest. I never came across the thing that felt right. Then Emma asked me to color with her. A rainbow we decided.
So we drug out the big white paper and the crayons. They helped me get the right colors, in the right order. And then the moment just seemed right. “do you all know what tomorrow is?” I asked them. “Lukie’s 1/2 birthday!” They shouted back with excitement. “Did you know its also the birthday of our baby in heaven?” Eva said she had forgotten we had babies in heaven. So, we spent some time talking about how I had started growing two babies, but something didnt go quite right and they were never born, but instead, live in heaven. We talked about how Lukas is our “rainbow baby”. A baby born after loss. As we talked, each child helped me color on our rainbow. In that moment, my heart just felt so full. It as if they said, “we are your hope and promise.”
With each new color added to our rainbow, I felt a growing peace. Closure.
“What do you think our babies are doing in Heaven mom?”
“Does God have lunch in heaven? Cuz, I really like lunch”
“Do you think our babies like it there?”
We talked about streets of gold. We talked about how our babies will never hurt or be sad. We talked about how our babies are never cold or hungry. We talked about how our babies are loved. We decided heaven sounds like a nice place to go. I told them how much I love each one of them. I love each one of them with every corner of my heart. I told them, that even though I am sad that I never had a chance to meet the babies we lost, that I love them. But I also know, that if we had them, we wouldnt have our Lukie. We talked about rainbows and how God promised to take care of his people. We talked about how rainbows remind us of hope. As we finished coloring, I looked at that imperfect, lopsided rainbow and cried. Its beautiful! I look at it and I know, God’s promise is good.
Sometimes, God uses the simplest things, like coloring a rainbow with your kids, to remind you, that He does have a plan. That plan will be beautiful and glorious, but you may not see it until after the storm. When we were finished, we decided that this rainbow was very special. Eva thought we should have a picture with it, to celebrate Lukie’s birthday tomorrow. They helped me tape it up, crooked, of course, and pictures were taken.
I gave the kids two onsies to hold to represent our babies in heaven. Its just a paper rainbow and a picture, but when I look at it, my heart bursts.
Lukas Abram, you are so loved. You are a perfect fit for this family. I have no doubts when I hold you, you are the perfect embodiment of that perfect plan.
Happy 1/2 baby boy!