All The Feels

All the feels are getting to me today.  This has been a big month.  Im on overload.

Darren started his new job and its been great.  But its also required quite a bit of change here at home for things to run as smoothly as possible.  Being responsible for cooking dinner while managing 4 littles is a tad chaotic….ok, its borderline insanity.  Eva turned 7.  Seven!!!  How in the world is she 7?!  She is basically grown.  I kid, but really, she is so self sufficient.  She really is a tiny grown up in so many ways.  Levi is turning 5.  He’s no longer a toddler.  He is a little man.  He is testing those independence waters a little more every day.  I love to watch him.  I worried a long time he would never be independent.  But there he goes!  Lukas turned 9 months.  On my 29th birthday.  Very close to when our first angel baby would have been celebrating their first birthday.  For some reason, this all just felt so significant and beautiful and somber.  Lukie has healed my heart in ways I dont even have words to begin to explain.

Tomorrow I start my new job.  Getting through this hiring process has been a bit of a disorganized nightmare.  Very disorganized.  I had to call them, twice, to find out if I was even hired.  I accepted the job before I knew how much it paid, because no one seemed to have that information.  Then, I have had to make several calls to get requirements for orientation nailed down.  Finally, last Friday, I called again.  I was told to be at hospital orientation on Monday and to come Tuesday to the home health office for unit orientation.  They were to call me if there was any additional time needed.  Ok,cool.  Two days.  Two days away from the kids.  I can do that.  I started pumping ferociously to stock up enough milk for Lukas while Im away.  Any other time, that wouldnt be such a huge deal, but he’s been sick, and therefore, nursing constantly.  So sneaking in a productive pump has been a delicate balancing act.  I worked for months to decrease my supply to a manageable level.  Pumping now, and risking a possible increase seems like a scary prospect.  Monday night I get a call from the manager.  They are now requesting that I come to the Home Health office in Peoria 5 days a week from 8am to 430pm for a month.  EVERY DAY FOR A MONTH!!!  Uh…nope.  Cue full on anxiety attack.  No childcare, no milk, not ready, ahhhhhh!!!  So, once I regained composure, I called them back and advised them, that because I was not made aware of this requirement until 7 days before hand, even though I accepted the job in May, I would not be able to accommodate that.  Thankfully, they understood and we compromised on two days a week for a month.  Whew.

So, that should be all fine and dandy.  But, its not.  Emotionally, needing to be away two days a week is taking its toll.  Thats two days a week of my summer with Eva Im going to miss out on.  Thats two days a week that Im going to need to be away from Lukas.  It sounds so trivial when I type it out, but for reasons I cant fully explain, my heart feels its anything but trivial.  Lukas is my last baby.  I have been so blessed to be able to be the constant in his life.  our days arent rushed.  There is no required schedule.  Its just us, fluidly doing life as a connected pair.  This is a luxury I didnt have with the other kids.  I wasnt emotionally prepared to have to sacrifice a second of us.  You get to be “us” with your baby for such a very short time.  In the grand scheme of things its no big deal.  It truly isnt.  Thats eight days.  Eight days I get to go and do grown up things while my babies are cared for by loving family members.  Its all going to be fine; probably good for all of us.  But at the same time, its just not fine.  I wish I would have known in May.  I would have had time to adjust to the idea.  But who am I kidding, it probably wouldnt have made a difference.

Monday is also Levi’s 5th birthday.  I promised myself I wasnt going to miss any more birthdays.  I hate that I cant be with him on his birthday.  He wont care, he will be with grandma and she will make him pancakes and all will be well in his world.  Pancakes and grandma are two of his favorite things.  But, my heart is breaking over it.  *I* want to make him pancakes.  I want to celebrate his day with him.  I want to bear hug him when he wakes up and sing happy birthday. Me.  The whole purpose of a work at home job is to not have to miss out.  I promised myself I wouldn’t miss any more birthdays.

The kids are anxious.  They hate the idea of me going back to work.  They dont understand that this wont require me to leave them after this month.  All they know is they want me here.  I never thought working weekends was an issue for them.  I was here all week and they had daddy all weekend.  But, when I told Eva I took another job, before I could even explain what that entailed, she was in tears.  “I dont want you to have to work, Mama.  I want you home.  Please dont go.”  The little ones act like once I leave, Im never coming back.  All the memories of all the mornings I peeled clingy babies off to go to work against my will come flooding back.  I promised myself those days were over.  Knowing Lukas has been sick makes leaving even harder.

I realize that you cant just start a job.  There has to be some training.  I knew there would be some time away needed.  My brain gets it.  Its my heart that cant get with the program.  I realize that this job is going to be a tremendous help to my husband and our family.  I know this is a necessary step to a better future.  I know.  Im glad to do it.  Im even excited to do it.  I miss being a nurse terribly.  But, at the same time, Im selfishly grieving going back to work.  Even if the going is only for a very, very short time.  After this month, Ill be working from home and I will be here…and probably wishing I could go in the office for some peace and quiet!

Change is hard.  Even when change is good and necessary.

We are going to celebrate Levi’s birthday today.  Lukie is doing quite a bit better with the breathing treatments.  I have pumped enough milk to cover these first two days.  Its all going to be ok.  But I still may shed a few tears between now and tomorrow night.  I just love my babies so much it hurts sometimes.

Isnt motherhood the most conflicting state?  You beg and beg for a second to yourself and then when the times comes, you grieve the second lost.  Its no wonder we moms are half nuts.  Our hearts and our brains have no idea how to communicate!

So if you think of me tomorrow…blubbering in a pumping room missing my babies…say a quick prayer for me to get my act together!

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