God doesnt always choose to speak in a thundering voice, but when He does, you can be sure that it is to prepare you for what is to come.
These past three years have been filled with struggle, but God have been undeniably present. He has chosen to speak to me in His thundering voice many times. And every time, it has been followed by a command to take a step of faith.
Last year, after a year of being too ill to work for over a year, Darren and I were staring financial ruin in the face. It was obvious that I had to find a job, but I felt so called to stay home with my kids. We prayed for God to provide a solution that made His will clear. He did. I was given a job that I have no memory of applying for, that allows me to work from home and make a very decent amount of money. Darren also took a step of faith starting a new career and also taking a sizable pay cut to do so. This week when Darren and I received our W-2 statements, we were speechless to see, that in 6 months, we made more income then we did the entire previous year! This extra income has allowed us to pay down almost all of our very sizable medical debt. 6 very large hospital bills paid off. Just one more to go and we are on track to have that paid off very soon.
Earlier this week, I shared how God had used a verse in scripture that spoke directly to my need. After a month of frequent passing out and awful air hunger, I read:
“They will walk and not faint”
I knew, because I had heard Gods voice so clearly, that a call to faith was coming.
Earlier this month I had some lab work done in preparation to see a new doctor. This doctor has POTS herself, and says she has found remission. I decided to see her in hope that she may have something different to offer. I looked up the lab work results online.
I have Lyme Disease.
This is really good news and its also the absolute last thing I wanted to hear. I devoted the last two years of my life to figuring out why I was so sick. I researched hours and hours at a time. I lost myself in the work. The quest owned me in many ways. But, I figured it out and I sought out doctors who could help and they confirmed the diagnosis. I cant even explain the peace I felt as that Cleveland Clinic doctor typed POTS and EDS 3 in my chart making it official. After two years, I had answers. Closure.
Getting officially diagnosed allowed me the ability to stop searching and focus on wellness. I had accepted my normal and was actively finding ways to live fully despite the many limitations.
But now, now there is a new diagnosis. The good news is, there are treatment possibilities. The bad news is, they are poorly studied and not often covered by insurance. Mainstream medicine does not recognize chronic Lyme even though we can test for it and easily see that it exists.
Ive really been struggling with this information for a few days. I am gearing up for battle. I know I will again need to become an expert in my own health. A researcher. But, I do not want to loose myself in the task. Ive worked so hard to find myself these last few months and Ive been good, so good. My marriage is good, my self worth is growing, our finances are stable, Im so much more calm. Wellness is an investment. I know that I want to be well, but I also dont want to send my family back into financial insecurity to achieve it. There must be balance.
“They will walk and not faint”
Perhaps this phrase wasnt given to me just as a sign of hope. Perhaps, its a prophesy for my life. Maybe, God is telling me what I have to look forward to? Perhaps, God is calling me to see, that He has been orchestrating this all along. He knows our needs before we do. He knew we needed new jobs, not only to survive, but to survive what was coming. He knew I needed a time of recuperation before I could be ready to handle another diagnosis. God is orchestrating all of this and simply asking me to trust Him.
I’ll admit, the last three days I have felt fear and doubt and emotions I dont even have a name for. I dont want to fight any more. I am so weary of this fight. But I am promised renewed strength in exchange for my faith.
So, Im choosing to trust. Will you pray for me? Not just for wellness, but for balance. To know when to research and when to take a break. To know how to financially invest and when to say no. There is a good chance that I may get sick again as we work to kill the lyme. There is a good chance I may get very sick. But it will be temporary. Will you pray for strength for me and for my family? There is a possibility that I have passed this infection to Levi and that may be a very big piece of his puzzle as well. So I have to go through this to know what will work for him. Im praying hard that this new information is what we have been missing. Im also afraid to let myself dream of a day when I am well. I feel very pulled in every direction and its so hard to process a coherent thought. Please pray for clarity.
My appointment with the new doctor is Feb 16. At this appointment we will discuss the labs in detail and begin to put together a plan for what treatment will look like. This will not be a quick thing. Its a process, to say the least. Thankfully, I had considered the possibility of chronic lyme in the past and already have a pretty good understanding of the condition. Between now and February, Im going to do nothing but continue to be committed to taking good care of myself. The best way to prepare for battle is to go into it as a strong soldier.
Here we go again…