Like a ton of bricks

I was looking up some verses this morning in an attempt to encourage some hurting friends.  I ended up in the book of Isaiah.  I was reading and typing the words I thought may help my friend and BAM there I was, just sobbing on the floor.  Overcome with emotion.  The words pinged my soul.  Sometimes, when we least expect it, God grabs us by the shirt collar and gives us a little proverbial shake to reality.

Iv’e been trying so hard to be so normal lately.  Im eating well, despite not wanting to eat anything.  Im cooking even though looking t food makes my stomach churn.  Im doing more around the house.  Ive been exercising every day.  Ive set so many goals for myself and Im doing so well.  But Im weary.  When you start a lifestyle change, adrenaline keeps you going for awhile.  But then, muscles get sore and eyes are tired and its just becomes so easy to sink back into old slumps.  Its difficult to find balance with POTS.  Just because I can do things today, doesnt mean I wont pay for it tomorrow.  Knowing when to push and when to rest is an art Im still trying to master.

These 4 little kids need mama, so no matter how I feel, I get up and I make breakfast and wash faces and fold laundry.  I cook lunch and nurse the baby and change the diapers.  I havent been sleeping.  Its been weeks since I slept more than three hours a night.  I AM SO WEARY.  I shove that feeling and I press on, because thats what needs to be done.  You dont realize how weary you are and how much you have been compensating, until one day it just hits you like a ton of bricks.   For me that manifests, in shortness of breath and an irregular and fast heart rate.  It usually puts me on the couch.  If I try to keep going, I will pass out.  Its my body’s way of saying “enough”.  Its my body’s way of not giving me a choice but to rest.  I sit here feeling like I have failed.  I sit here and worry about all of the things I could be doing if I were normal.  Self pity and guilt try to creep in.  My husband will come home to a messy house.  My kids wont brush their teeth until bed time.  The laundry collects.  The kitchen sink fills with dishes.  All while I sit here.  I know I need to rest.  My husband and family knows I need to rest.  But, allowing myself to do so, is not easy.

But then I read these words and realize, Im not meant to carry this alone:

Why do you say, O Jacob, and complain, O Isreal, “my way is hidden from the Lord; my cause is disregarded by my God”?

Do you not know?  Have you not heard? 

The Lord is the Everlasting God, the creator of the ends of the earth.  He will not grow tired or weary, and His understanding no one can fathom.

He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.  Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; 

but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.  They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will WALK AND NOT BE FAINT.”

These words, I needed them today.  My God, he knows about air hunger and he knows about passing out.  He knows my desire it to keep going for my husband and for my kids.  He knows Im weary and he promises to renew my strength if I place my hope in him.  That doesnt mean I dont need to take time to rest.  It means I am allowed to rest.  This is not my race to run alone.  The strength comes from the Lord.

“They will walk and not be  faint”

BAM.  Cue that waterworks.  I needed these specific words.  So few people understand what its like to live with POTS.  The air hunger, the passing out, the stomach pains, the vision changes, the headaches…I look normal, but inside, im at war with my own body.  “Do you do this for attention?” , “Just push through it” , “it cant be that bad”, “Dont be so dramatic”.  I crave an empathetic ear.  I often feel like no one understands how hard I fight to be functional.  God knows.  He knows me because he created me.  Broken and POTsie me.  He created me with a very specific purpose.  He gives me the strength needed to complete my race.  Some day, be it here on this earth, or when we meet in eternity, He promises I will run and not grow weary, I will walk and not faint.  At that moment these words will change from metaphoric to literal.  How I hope for that day!  For now, I take hope in knowing that He knows this burden and offers strength if I choose to believe in Him.

Lukie Turns One

garagesale-1309

Tomorrow, my baby turns one.  I cant really wrap my head around that, because, it seems, that he was just born.  I know thats something everyone says, but its exceptionally true this time.   I feel like Im just coming out from under that new baby fog and now he’s so grown!

I love watching him grow.  Every day there is something new that we make him do over and over a hundred times, because we all just think this baby hung the moon.  But, with every new milestone met, there is a hint of sadness, knowing that its the last first, for this family.

I have 4 beautiful children.  They are my world.  Thats the problem.  I have no idea how to be without a baby on my hip.  For as long as I can remember, there was always a baby.  It started when my youngest brother was born.  I was 9, almost 10, and he was mine.  I know now, how crazy I drove my mother trying to be his mama, because I now have a little mama of my own.  As he grew, there were church kids and neighbor kids to fill my arms.  And then there was our Eva.  If I could go back in time, I would go back to when she was tiny and I would relive every one of those moments and commit them to memory much better than I managed to.  I would tell myself to go ahead and feel how good motherhood felt, even though it seemed my world was crashing around me.  My parents divorce, trying to figure out married life, trying to get careers started, buying and renovating a house.  We had so much on our plates.  By the time Levi came, we were established.  Motherhood seemed second nature.  Transition was easy.  But, as we dealt with his health issues, he developed a big resentment towards me.  “Mama makes hurts” he would say.  Now things with Emma were all around easy.  She was a delightful baby.  Always happy as long as she could cuddle.  Darren and I were both working and working too much.  Adjusting to three kids was intense.  By the time she was 4 months old, I knew I wanted to be home with her, with all of the kids.  I felt like, I got it right with her.  Things were so fluid.  I nursed her until she was almost 2.  We co-slept.  So in tune.  We were a unit.  And then back surgery and POTS threatened to take away my mobility.  I spend a good portion of her second year on the couch.

You could say, that there are things I wish I could change about each childs first year.  You cant go back in time, you can only move forward.

And then the miscarriages.  I knew that if there were another child, I knew, I wanted things to be so different.  I wanted life to be slower, more intentional.  I wanted to sink into the sweet newborn smell and really take it all in. I wanted to be so present in every moment.  Loss has a way of changing you completely so that you understand, so well, the things that actually matter.

When I found out I was pregnant with Lukas, I was so afraid.  I was afraid to get attached.  Afraid to plan.  Afraid to feel really.  I was in a sort of denial for most of the pregnancy.  I was just not sure my heart could handle losing him.  I wanted to embrace the pregnancy.  I wanted to  experience it all fully, but I just couldnt let myself.  I had hoped, through his birth, that I could find healing of sorts.  I wanted an all natural, empowering birth.  Nothing about it went as I had envisioned it.  That first look and first latch, I had dreampt of it for months.  I dreamed about how I would hold him and just love him so big because he was here.  Instead, I shook, too weak to hold him myself for some time.  Then there were after birth complications and pain.  And the babymoon I had dreamed of, coming home, well, that never happened either.  Instead, we were thrust into life as a family of 6, with a dad that wasnt present because when harvest comes, the farmer must go, ready or not.  None of it, none of it went like i had planned.

And through it I learned, that thats life.  I learned that being able to roll with the ups and downs of life was crucial to being able to actually enjoy it.  I realized that I had a choice to be miserable because nothing was going my way, or to make the best out of what I had. I had a perfect example of how to do that in my Lukas.  Ive never seen a baby as relaxed as he was.  Content to go here or there any time.  Content to be handled by this sibling and lugged around by that one. Content to just be held and be.

He and I, we quickly molded.  Our connection is strong.  Its so good.  He has healed my soul in ways I cant even put into words.  He has shown me, that I am enough.  Im not a perfect mother, but I am perfect for him.  To see those eyes look into mine, and feel his soft hands running up and down my arms while he nurses.  Its simply what feels like home.  Its not that I love him more than the other kids.  Of course I love them all so completely.  Its just that, I love him so much deeper than I knew how to love before.  Realizing that I couldnt take the gift of a child for granted, realizing that every pregnancy wasnt promised, realizing that my health wasnt guaranteed, all of these things have given me a new appreciation and understanding of just how precious his little life is.

I know, that Lukas will be the last child.  Its not what I want.  I want to continue living on this baby high.  I want to continue to have somewhere and someone else to put my focus on.  I want to continue to exist in this identity, the identity of a baby mom.  I have no idea how to function without a baby.  I want to continue to sit on this baby induced high.  I want another chance to perfect this thing called motherhood.  The days ahead are uncharted.  Its frightening.  Frightening, because I have no idea what Im doing.  Ive had 4 chances at being a baby mama, and I finally feel like I have it sort of figured out.

What it basically boils down to, is that im feeling like a child being pulled out a a candy store.  I know whats here is good.  I finally even know what candy I like best, and I dont want to leave!  But its time, its time to leave.  Change is frightening, because its unknown.  Its so easy to remain in your comfort zone, but remaining there, doesnt allow for growth.

So here is to the next stage.  The days of nursing and baby wearing and co sleeping and sloppy kisses and kissing boo boo’s, they arent gone, but they are numbered.  The days of being needed to tie shoes and button shirts are counted.  The last Ulrich is entering toddlerhood.  He’s growing up, whether his mama likes it or not.  And as he grows, Ill have to grow too and we will discover this new stage together.  ❤

Happy birthday, Lukas Abram Ulrich.  You complete us with your laid back personality and love to cuddle; with your ability to make us all laugh and your ornery attitude.  We love you so much!

Is God a liar?

Do you believe that God created the universe?

Well, yes, of course.

Do you believe that He created man?  Created you?

Yes.

Do you believe that God makes Mistakes?

No.  Thats what makes Him God, right?

So then, if you believe that God does not make mistakes and you believe that He created you, then you are not a mistake.

For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth.  Psalm 130: 13-15

I know, I have a purpose…I know…but I dont feel like I am enough.  I feel inadequate.  I’m too fat, too ugly, to mediocre, too skinny…I dont like my eyes, my chin, my hips.  Im too shy, too awkward. There are things in my past Im not proud of….The arguments of inferiority are many, but the reasons all the same.  I feel inadequate.  Im just not enough.

Self esteem is something so many of us struggle with.  The feeling of being inadequate.  I know, for most of my life its been a very real struggle for me.  Ive felt like I wasnt smart enough, Ive felt like I wasnt physically desirable.  Ive wondered if I was nice enough, fun enough, exciting enough.  Adding true limitations from chronic illness and miscarriage to that already damaged self view and I was really struggling to love that face in the mirror.

Am I enough?  I didnt feel like I was enough.

But then, the above conversation happened with a friend.  He told me, to assume that I was inadequate, was to assume that God somehow made a mistake.  And if I believed that God made a mistake, well then, I dont believe that God is who he says He is at all.  If I believe that I am inadequate, then I believe that God is a fraud.

Those words hit me like a ton of bricks.  Believe God is a fraud?!  Absolutely Not!  That simple conversation changed my outlook and my heart.  I still have days and moments of self doubt.  But, I am able to quiet those feelings by finding peace in the promise that my God does not make mistakes.  I am enough in Christ.

Moses is a great example of how someone who was seemingly inadequate by man’s standards, is exceptionally equipped for the plan God had for him.  Moses, was an adopted prince, turned nomad murderer.  An outcast.  No one to claim him, but the beasts of the wilderness.  Moses mistakes allowed him to be in the exact position God needed him to be to do great things.  God told Moses, through the burning bush, that He needed him.

“But who am I, that I should go to Pharaoh and bring the Israelites out of Egypt?”

And God said: “I will be with you” 

God lays out His plan and commission for Moses.

Moses answered: “What if they do not believe me or listen to me?”

Then God proceeded to give Moses miraculous signs to prove He was in control, to prove He could be trusted.  God took the time to prove himself to Moses.  Lets not forget this entire conversation is occurring via a non burning, burning bush.  In my opinion God went above and beyond to prove his authority to Moses.  You wont believe Moses response:

“O, Lord, I have never been eloquent, neither in the past, nor since you have spoken to your servant.  I am slow of speech and tongue.”

If I were God, I would probably be getting a smidge annoyed by now, by Moses whining and lack of trust.

The Lord said to Moses: “Who gave man his mouth? Who makes him deaf or mute? Who gives him sight or makes him blind? Is it not I, the Lord?  Now go, I will help you.”

But Moses is acting very much like my three year old, and continues to protest.

And Moses said: “O, Lord, please send someone else”

And like most parents who have asked their kids umpteen times to do one simple thing, Gods anger burned against Moses.  Ill give the “catch up” version of Gods response.

“Look, Moses, Ive got this covered.  Your brother Aaron, who is a great speaker is on his way to meet you.  He’s going to talk for you. Ive given you the ability to preform miracles and some pretty specific instructions on how and when to use them.  Now get a move on it!”

And like most children, once they have pushed their parents to the brink of rage, Moses decides, very begrudgingly, to comply with Gods request.  But he continues doubt and question.  Moses repeatedly cries out to God about His plan to deliver Israel.  Time and time again, God reveals His plan to Moses.  Time and time again, God proves to Moses that He is in control and that His plan will prevail.  And we all know how the story ends.  God does deliver the people of Israel and He does it by using Moses, a guy with a stutter who had a history of being a murderer.  A guy who, lets face it, was previously failing at life. So, if God can use Moses to do big things,like deliver an entire nation from slavery, I think He can use just about anyone to do anything.

And then there is this, not only, does God not create mistakes, He also provided his perfect son, to die for us as a sacrifice, so that, when He looks at us, He doesnt see sinful and ugly  and self doubting people.  When He looks at His children, through Christ, He sees perfection and absolute beauty.  When you receive the gift of grace Christ offers, your sins are cast from you, your imperfections covered, fully and completely.

Repeat after me:

I AM ENOUGH IN CHRIST.

Say it again:

I AM ENOUGH IN CHRIST.

If you are like me, you may need to say it at least 300 times a day to remind yourself.  But its true.  Its always been true.  God does not make mistakes.  God can use any person, in any circumstance to do really big things.  Our feelings of inadequacy dont change the fact, that God is God.  We can choose to dwell on our imperfections, limitations and insecurities.  We can choose to continue to feel inadequate.  OR, we can choose to take peace in knowing that we are enough.  We are made perfect in all of our imperfections.  God doesnt care if you stutter, He doesnt care about past sins, He doesnt care about physical appearance.  What God cares about is having you near now and into eternity.  God loves you.  All of you.  We are enough in Christ.  Say it.  Claim it.  Find peace in it.

 

Finding Rest

I kind of hate how this is such a dark and depressing place.  Im really not a depressed individual.  I quite love my life, despite its ups and downs.  But this blog is my space to reason and name the feelings I sometimes feel.  Its healing to me to write.  Its a space to admit my pain and put purpose to it.  To name it and claim it.  I suppose, I should make a point to write about some happy things at some point to balance it out, but the truth is, hard things are my inspiration to write.  In times of happiness, I just want to be present to enjoy it.

My heart has been very heavy this last month, for reasons I cant publicly discuss.  Not being able to discuss it, seems to make the burden 10 times heavier. But as always, in tough times, there is room for growth.

In discussing the problem with my husband last week, he said something that might as well be the theme of our marriage.  He stopped and said, “I love you.  I know, no matter what we go through, we can go through it together and that makes me love you.”  He’s right.  In the 8 years we have been married we have endured more than some do in a life time.  Its made our bond strong and deep and Im grateful for that.

Being married and being a mother has taught me so much about the character of God.  It was hard for me to understand unconditional love, until I had experienced the human equivalent.  In the past two years, it seems like my life is one big, dramatic trial after another.  Each time I think I may have overcome and life may resume to “normal” something else comes up.  Ive come to the conclusion that perhaps this idea of normalcy is just a myth and that life is truly just not as easy as I had expected.  I often wonder why God allows these trials to come.  I struggle with the idea of being “good enough” to pass whatever test this is so I can move on to easier times.  Thats not really how it works though, is it?  In fact the Bible tells us In Matthew 5 “Blessed are the persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.”  We are told, that living a life honoring of Christ will not be easy.  We are also promised we will not have to carry the load alone.  Looking back, I can say with certainty, that I am thankful for the trials we have endured, because I understand, of God, exactly what my husband said to me.  Knowing that He walks with me, and seeing that evidence in my life, grows my love for Him.

Last night, my 7 year old was asking for help with a homework paper.  It was obvious that she didnt need help as much as she just wanted the answers so she could move on to the next activity.  I explained to her, that I needed to see her attempt the assignment on her own.  “Im here to assist you in working through it, but I wont give you the answers.  If I did, you wouldnt be learning the concept.”  While I would love to give my children anything and everything to make their lives easy, as a parent, I recognize that isnt loving.  Loving them, is requiring them to be responsible and allowing them the space to do things on their own, so that they are prepared for life to come.  I walk with them, but not for them.  Isnt our relationship with Christ the same?  I know, because He loves me, that He would like for me to live a life free of trials, but because that isnt reality, He instead teaches me to endure the trials and walks through them with me.  Its much easier to understand this, as I parent my own children and can understand that parental role.

I struggle often, both in my relationships with people and Christ, with being a people pleaser.  I often act as I think I am expected, instead of whats true in my heart.  Its been a process, in the last year and in the present to start to learn who I am and act as me, not what I think is expected of me.  This shows in my prayer life.  I often pray what I think God would want to hear from me, instead of whats on my heart.  Thats so silly, considering He already knows what Im thinking.  Im not sure who I think Im trying to fool.  The honest truth is, Im tired and weary.  This current issue is weighing me down.  And while I can give it over to the Lord and I can have faith for resolution and faith in His plan, Im tired, and I just dont feel like pressing on.  Im sure all the mothers reading can understand that.  We all have had those days. You love your babies so much and quitting isnt an option, but dang.  You are tired and you just dont want to pour the cheerios and do the laundry and cook the supper and go to the store and all the other big and small things mothers do.  Every step and motion is just an absolute test of your might.  Thats just how Im feeling about life in general at the moment.  Just plain ‘ol flat out weary.  Even the good things feel heavy because of the weariness.

A friend told me this morning that its ok to pray like Christ did in the garden.  “Father let this cup pass from me, but not my will, but yours.”  That struck me, as I reflected.  How weary was Christ in the garden?  How fearful?  How unsure?  He knew what he needed to do, but he didnt want to do it.  He was obedient, despite.  If Chist can admit to God how weary and unsure He was, then I can too.  God already knows what is on my heart and in order to have real intimacy with him, I need to be honest and open with myself and him.  I reflect back on so many of the bible “greats” and remember how many times they cried out with weary hearts.  There is great comfort in knowing that its ok to feel tired.  Its ok to admit that I am not strong on my own.  In fact, its good to admit it.  Its even necessary.

So my prayer today is exactly that.  Lord, if its your will, take this burden from me.  Im weary and tired and I need rest.  But Lord, I know your plan is bigger than me.  I know your plan is good.  I have faith in that.  So, thy will be done.  But Lord, if Im going to keep pressing on, I need some strength.  Like, a heap of it, because Im so tired.  In all things Lord, may my actions and words bring glory to your name, so that others may know you and your love.  Amen.

Psalm 18:6 But in my distress I cried out to the LORD; yes, I prayed to my God for help. He heard me from his sanctuary; my cry to him reached his ears.

Thy Will

I’m so confused
I know I heard you loud and clear
So, I followed through
Somehow I ended up here
I don’t wanna think
I may never understand
That my broken heart is a part of your plan
When I try to pray
All I’ve got is hurt and these four words

Thy will be done

I know you’re good
But this don’t feel good right now
And I know you think
Of things I could never think about
It’s hard to count it all joy
Distracted by the noise
Just trying to make sense
Of all your promises
Sometimes I gotta stop
Remember that you’re God
And I am not
So

Thy will be done
Like a child on my knees all that comes to me is
Thy will be done

I know you see me
I know you hear me, Lord
Your plans are for me
Goodness you have in store
I know you hear me
I know you see me, Lord
Your plans are for me
Good news you have in store

So, thy will be done

Like a child on my knees all that comes to me is
Thy will be done

I know you see me
I know you hear me, Lord

Have you ever had a song that just pinged your soul? Stops you in your tracks, takes your breath away kind of moment?  Hillary Scott wrote it about a miscarriage she experienced.  Having experienced that myself, the first time I heard the song, I listened through sweet tears of agreement.  It sums up how I feel and felt so perfectly.  Ive enjoyed hearing it every time, like a new layer of healing is peeled away.

These last two years have been so intense.  Hard and beautiful and blessed and horrible all at once.  Its been so much to process and think through and attempt to understand and learn how to embrace.  Its been mountain tops of goodness and valleys of pain. There have been so many times where I have found myself on my knees giving back my desire for complete control to the Lord.  But, like any human, there are those corners of my heart that I dont give up so easily.

Since he first became sick at 12 months, Levi has been a very special burden.  I have known since that first fever, there was something just not quite normal about this child.  Doctors repeatedly tell us he is “fine”.  He is just a little outside of normal in many areas.  Ive always known they were missing something.  On the outside, he is a vibrant and healthy child.  He runs and plays in the mud like any other 5 year old boy.  On the outside, he looks fine.  But, if you know him well, you know there are many subtle things, like his inability to fight off a common childhood sickness without medical intervention,  or urinary incontinence, or the frequent unexplained ulcers on his face, that make him complicated.  Having the Ehlers Danlos diagnosis helps explain so much of these abnormalities, maybe even all of them.  But, without an Ehlers literate pediatric doctor, the detective work has been completely up to myself.  Always reading and researching and fighting to connect the dots.  Im exhausted.  Many days I feel like I cant take one more step on this journey.  We have made some huge strides in the last six months with diet and supplements and tongue tie revision.  Huge steps.  I rejoice in every win.  But still, there are big issues, like the incontinence, that simply cant be ignored any longer.

After seeing the new urologist last week, I was so excited to have a doctor that I feel will listen and fight with me.  Hallelujah!!!  But then, not having insurance for another month means waiting even longer for answers.  That means more medical bills on our already taxed budget.  Im afraid of what those answers may be.  There will very likely be some form of surgery, either to remove whatever is blocking the bladder from emptying or, on the spine or brain, if the problem is neurological, like we fear.  My heart breaks over needing to put my little Levi through anything else.  He’s done enough!  He’s been through enough!  I just cant.  Cant feel it, cant think about it.  Cant go on.  But, thats not an option is it?  I have to go on.  Go on pushing and fighting for answers and direction.  Go on driving to doctors here and there and running tests on this and that.  I have to push on until there are solid and clear answers.  I want to be able to hold my boy and not worry and fret and wonder.  I want to be able to rejoice in him playing and laughing and not wonder about what is going on in his body.    I need to allow myself to look past the problem, and see the boy.  Relinquishing that control completely, is a daily battle I fight with the Lord.  I want to hand him over and to understand that Levi is God’s son, not mine.  God has a plan for him.  He is not mine to control.  I try.  I speak the words and I try to own them.  I know the truth in my heart.  My human nature still fights for control, despite.

We were driving to Bloomington for what seems the 30th time in the last week, and I was thinking and mulling over everything as I drove. This song came on the radio.  At first I became teary eyed thinking about Hillary and her love for her unborn and understanding exactly how she felt.  And I listened, for probably the first time, to the words entirely. I was thinking to myself how well this could apply to other areas of my life.  My mind turned to Levi.  And then, from the back seat, I hear my Levi belting out the words with all of his might.  Singing, in that hoarse and raspy voice:

“Thy will be done.  They will be done.”

I had to pull the van over.  I sat there, on the side of the road, sobbing as he sang.  I cant tell you in words what happened exactly.  I felt a lightning bolt in my soul.  I couldnt breathe.  The tears flowed from a spot in my heart, so deep.  The Lord used that moment to break me.  Break me right in half.  Its as if this song is exactly my prayer for Levi and he used my sweet boy to answer me so clearly.  His plans are for him.  Goodness he has in store.  Ok Lord, I hear you.  Thy will, not mine.

I know you’re good
But this don’t feel good right now
And I know you think
Of things I could never think about
It’s hard to count it all joy
Distracted by the noise
Just trying to make sense
Of all your promises
Sometimes I gotta stop
Remember that you’re God
And I am not
So

Thy will be done
Like a child on my knees all that comes to me is
Thy will be done

I wish I had the satisfaction of knowing that there is a happily ever after coming.  I wish I knew that all will be resolved and well in just a short time.  I wish I knew that the resolution wasnt major surgery.  I dont know that.  All I know, is that I have to keep pressing forward and remembering that even though I cant understand why I, and Levi, need to be broken for the fulfillment of Gods perfect plan, His plan is bigger than I can see. His plan is good.  He loves Levi more than I can.  He loves him eternally.  No matter the outcome, it is good.  I choose to have faith  in that.

Thank you Lord, for using a simple song to speak to me so clearly.  I hear you.  Thy will be done.

All The Feels

All the feels are getting to me today.  This has been a big month.  Im on overload.

Darren started his new job and its been great.  But its also required quite a bit of change here at home for things to run as smoothly as possible.  Being responsible for cooking dinner while managing 4 littles is a tad chaotic….ok, its borderline insanity.  Eva turned 7.  Seven!!!  How in the world is she 7?!  She is basically grown.  I kid, but really, she is so self sufficient.  She really is a tiny grown up in so many ways.  Levi is turning 5.  He’s no longer a toddler.  He is a little man.  He is testing those independence waters a little more every day.  I love to watch him.  I worried a long time he would never be independent.  But there he goes!  Lukas turned 9 months.  On my 29th birthday.  Very close to when our first angel baby would have been celebrating their first birthday.  For some reason, this all just felt so significant and beautiful and somber.  Lukie has healed my heart in ways I dont even have words to begin to explain.

Tomorrow I start my new job.  Getting through this hiring process has been a bit of a disorganized nightmare.  Very disorganized.  I had to call them, twice, to find out if I was even hired.  I accepted the job before I knew how much it paid, because no one seemed to have that information.  Then, I have had to make several calls to get requirements for orientation nailed down.  Finally, last Friday, I called again.  I was told to be at hospital orientation on Monday and to come Tuesday to the home health office for unit orientation.  They were to call me if there was any additional time needed.  Ok,cool.  Two days.  Two days away from the kids.  I can do that.  I started pumping ferociously to stock up enough milk for Lukas while Im away.  Any other time, that wouldnt be such a huge deal, but he’s been sick, and therefore, nursing constantly.  So sneaking in a productive pump has been a delicate balancing act.  I worked for months to decrease my supply to a manageable level.  Pumping now, and risking a possible increase seems like a scary prospect.  Monday night I get a call from the manager.  They are now requesting that I come to the Home Health office in Peoria 5 days a week from 8am to 430pm for a month.  EVERY DAY FOR A MONTH!!!  Uh…nope.  Cue full on anxiety attack.  No childcare, no milk, not ready, ahhhhhh!!!  So, once I regained composure, I called them back and advised them, that because I was not made aware of this requirement until 7 days before hand, even though I accepted the job in May, I would not be able to accommodate that.  Thankfully, they understood and we compromised on two days a week for a month.  Whew.

So, that should be all fine and dandy.  But, its not.  Emotionally, needing to be away two days a week is taking its toll.  Thats two days a week of my summer with Eva Im going to miss out on.  Thats two days a week that Im going to need to be away from Lukas.  It sounds so trivial when I type it out, but for reasons I cant fully explain, my heart feels its anything but trivial.  Lukas is my last baby.  I have been so blessed to be able to be the constant in his life.  our days arent rushed.  There is no required schedule.  Its just us, fluidly doing life as a connected pair.  This is a luxury I didnt have with the other kids.  I wasnt emotionally prepared to have to sacrifice a second of us.  You get to be “us” with your baby for such a very short time.  In the grand scheme of things its no big deal.  It truly isnt.  Thats eight days.  Eight days I get to go and do grown up things while my babies are cared for by loving family members.  Its all going to be fine; probably good for all of us.  But at the same time, its just not fine.  I wish I would have known in May.  I would have had time to adjust to the idea.  But who am I kidding, it probably wouldnt have made a difference.

Monday is also Levi’s 5th birthday.  I promised myself I wasnt going to miss any more birthdays.  I hate that I cant be with him on his birthday.  He wont care, he will be with grandma and she will make him pancakes and all will be well in his world.  Pancakes and grandma are two of his favorite things.  But, my heart is breaking over it.  *I* want to make him pancakes.  I want to celebrate his day with him.  I want to bear hug him when he wakes up and sing happy birthday. Me.  The whole purpose of a work at home job is to not have to miss out.  I promised myself I wouldn’t miss any more birthdays.

The kids are anxious.  They hate the idea of me going back to work.  They dont understand that this wont require me to leave them after this month.  All they know is they want me here.  I never thought working weekends was an issue for them.  I was here all week and they had daddy all weekend.  But, when I told Eva I took another job, before I could even explain what that entailed, she was in tears.  “I dont want you to have to work, Mama.  I want you home.  Please dont go.”  The little ones act like once I leave, Im never coming back.  All the memories of all the mornings I peeled clingy babies off to go to work against my will come flooding back.  I promised myself those days were over.  Knowing Lukas has been sick makes leaving even harder.

I realize that you cant just start a job.  There has to be some training.  I knew there would be some time away needed.  My brain gets it.  Its my heart that cant get with the program.  I realize that this job is going to be a tremendous help to my husband and our family.  I know this is a necessary step to a better future.  I know.  Im glad to do it.  Im even excited to do it.  I miss being a nurse terribly.  But, at the same time, Im selfishly grieving going back to work.  Even if the going is only for a very, very short time.  After this month, Ill be working from home and I will be here…and probably wishing I could go in the office for some peace and quiet!

Change is hard.  Even when change is good and necessary.

We are going to celebrate Levi’s birthday today.  Lukie is doing quite a bit better with the breathing treatments.  I have pumped enough milk to cover these first two days.  Its all going to be ok.  But I still may shed a few tears between now and tomorrow night.  I just love my babies so much it hurts sometimes.

Isnt motherhood the most conflicting state?  You beg and beg for a second to yourself and then when the times comes, you grieve the second lost.  Its no wonder we moms are half nuts.  Our hearts and our brains have no idea how to communicate!

So if you think of me tomorrow…blubbering in a pumping room missing my babies…say a quick prayer for me to get my act together!

Coffee with a side of grace

Its 6am and I finally got everyone asleep….from last night!  Its nights like this that leave me to question our decision to have 4 kids 6 and under.  “Who’s idea was this?!” I half jokingly ask my husband. Of course, he responds with “Im pretty sure it was yours” as he yawns and starts the coffee pot.  This stage of life is hard.  Its teething and diapers and dinner struggles and not being able to go more than two minutes without someone needing me.  Its physically and mentally and emotionally exhausting.  So much work and so little immediate reward.

No one slept last night.  The three year old had an ear ache and was in our room every half hour or so.  The baby had a stuffy, snotty nose and cried most of the night because he couldnt suck his fingers – his usual way to self soothe.  One child wet the bed.  One child woke us up to let us know it was still dark out; wondering if it was the middle of the night, or if the sun forgot to come up.  At one point, my husband took Emma back to her bed and never came back to our room.  I figured he went to the couch to catch some sleep since he had to be up early for work.  But, when his alarm went off at 430am, I went to find him, and there he was, asleep, while still sitting on the side of Emma’s bed.  You know you are exhausted when you can sleep sitting up!

Its 6am and I already have over 1000 steps in according to my fitbit.  I must have walked a mile or more pacing the bedroom floor bouncing the baby.  My app says I slept one hour and 15 minutes.  Im tired.  So. Dog. Tired.  The kids will be up in an hour.  They will want breakfast.  I promised them I would make banana muffins last night.  There will be pee sheets to launder.  The garden needs my attention before the rain comes.  The sink is full of dishes.  There are bills that need to be paid and appointments that need to be made.  The diaper count is getting low, which means a trip to town is in order.  Which means lugging 4 kids through Target.  The baby will decide that he needs to nurse as soon as we get in the checkout line.  Emma will need to pee, as soon as I start putting items on the belt, even though she declined the need right before we got in line.  We will check out and go potty and feed the baby and right when I have all of the groceries loaded and everyone buckled in their car seats, Levi will need to poop. Then, we will need lunch out, because they will starve to death if they dont get fed right at noon.  Its a variation of the same, every time we leave the house.  They are good kids,  actually very well behaved, but there are 4 of them and one of me. Being in public is just exhausting.  And if the thunder comes, like the weatherman says it will, I can guarantee, my afternoon will be spent telling 4 kids over and over that they are safe and they dont have to be afraid; Ill tell them over and over and over while they all crowd in my lap.  Dinner will be late because they wont let me out of their sight to go and cook it.  Just thinking about it all makes me even more tired.

They tell me Im going to miss this.  Deep down, I know they are right.  But, in this moment, I cant help but dream of the day when I can make that Target run, alone, latte in hand, with no time constraints. Right now, I dream of uninterrupted sleep and conversation.  Right now, I just want to shower without someone barging in demanding a sandwich.  I want to be able to leave home and not worry about if the baby has enough milk.  I want to eat a meal without having to stop to wipe someones rear.  I’d like to remember, what its like to sleep next to my husband.  This day will come, some day I wont be so needed.

Its 7 am and I hear pitter patter feet coming down the stairs.  I sigh, because its time.  That sigh is tired and ragged, but when I see that messy haired, finger sucking, blankie holding little turd…that same little turkey that had me up half the night, I smile.  I love her; so much its hurts me.  I love this time in my life.  Its hard.  Its so stinking hard.  But, Its also the most fulfilling and blessed and full of joy.  I swoop her up in my arms and take a long, deep smell of her hair.  I think to myself ‘I wish these days would never end”.  Isnt motherhood the most confused state?  The same mom that was just yearning for quiet days to come, in now relishing in the very thing she wants to escape from.

Today, I will need a whole lot of coffee and Jesus to make it through.  Im going to admit that Im tired and give myself some grace.  Im thinking an afternoon full of too much TV and chicken nuggets for dinner.  Im going to allow myself not to get caught up in the guilt of not savoring every single moment.  Thats not realistic.  Some days, motherhood is just plain hard.  Its ok to admit that.  Some days, the best thing I can do, for my family, is admit that Im only human and take a break.  So here’s to coffee, grace, blanket forts, too many movies and finger foods for dinner in the living room…and hopefully an early bed time for all.