I kind of hate how this is such a dark and depressing place. Im really not a depressed individual. I quite love my life, despite its ups and downs. But this blog is my space to reason and name the feelings I sometimes feel. Its healing to me to write. Its a space to admit my pain and put purpose to it. To name it and claim it. I suppose, I should make a point to write about some happy things at some point to balance it out, but the truth is, hard things are my inspiration to write. In times of happiness, I just want to be present to enjoy it.
My heart has been very heavy this last month, for reasons I cant publicly discuss. Not being able to discuss it, seems to make the burden 10 times heavier. But as always, in tough times, there is room for growth.
In discussing the problem with my husband last week, he said something that might as well be the theme of our marriage. He stopped and said, “I love you. I know, no matter what we go through, we can go through it together and that makes me love you.” He’s right. In the 8 years we have been married we have endured more than some do in a life time. Its made our bond strong and deep and Im grateful for that.
Being married and being a mother has taught me so much about the character of God. It was hard for me to understand unconditional love, until I had experienced the human equivalent. In the past two years, it seems like my life is one big, dramatic trial after another. Each time I think I may have overcome and life may resume to “normal” something else comes up. Ive come to the conclusion that perhaps this idea of normalcy is just a myth and that life is truly just not as easy as I had expected. I often wonder why God allows these trials to come. I struggle with the idea of being “good enough” to pass whatever test this is so I can move on to easier times. Thats not really how it works though, is it? In fact the Bible tells us In Matthew 5 “Blessed are the persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.” We are told, that living a life honoring of Christ will not be easy. We are also promised we will not have to carry the load alone. Looking back, I can say with certainty, that I am thankful for the trials we have endured, because I understand, of God, exactly what my husband said to me. Knowing that He walks with me, and seeing that evidence in my life, grows my love for Him.
Last night, my 7 year old was asking for help with a homework paper. It was obvious that she didnt need help as much as she just wanted the answers so she could move on to the next activity. I explained to her, that I needed to see her attempt the assignment on her own. “Im here to assist you in working through it, but I wont give you the answers. If I did, you wouldnt be learning the concept.” While I would love to give my children anything and everything to make their lives easy, as a parent, I recognize that isnt loving. Loving them, is requiring them to be responsible and allowing them the space to do things on their own, so that they are prepared for life to come. I walk with them, but not for them. Isnt our relationship with Christ the same? I know, because He loves me, that He would like for me to live a life free of trials, but because that isnt reality, He instead teaches me to endure the trials and walks through them with me. Its much easier to understand this, as I parent my own children and can understand that parental role.
I struggle often, both in my relationships with people and Christ, with being a people pleaser. I often act as I think I am expected, instead of whats true in my heart. Its been a process, in the last year and in the present to start to learn who I am and act as me, not what I think is expected of me. This shows in my prayer life. I often pray what I think God would want to hear from me, instead of whats on my heart. Thats so silly, considering He already knows what Im thinking. Im not sure who I think Im trying to fool. The honest truth is, Im tired and weary. This current issue is weighing me down. And while I can give it over to the Lord and I can have faith for resolution and faith in His plan, Im tired, and I just dont feel like pressing on. Im sure all the mothers reading can understand that. We all have had those days. You love your babies so much and quitting isnt an option, but dang. You are tired and you just dont want to pour the cheerios and do the laundry and cook the supper and go to the store and all the other big and small things mothers do. Every step and motion is just an absolute test of your might. Thats just how Im feeling about life in general at the moment. Just plain ‘ol flat out weary. Even the good things feel heavy because of the weariness.
A friend told me this morning that its ok to pray like Christ did in the garden. “Father let this cup pass from me, but not my will, but yours.” That struck me, as I reflected. How weary was Christ in the garden? How fearful? How unsure? He knew what he needed to do, but he didnt want to do it. He was obedient, despite. If Chist can admit to God how weary and unsure He was, then I can too. God already knows what is on my heart and in order to have real intimacy with him, I need to be honest and open with myself and him. I reflect back on so many of the bible “greats” and remember how many times they cried out with weary hearts. There is great comfort in knowing that its ok to feel tired. Its ok to admit that I am not strong on my own. In fact, its good to admit it. Its even necessary.
So my prayer today is exactly that. Lord, if its your will, take this burden from me. Im weary and tired and I need rest. But Lord, I know your plan is bigger than me. I know your plan is good. I have faith in that. So, thy will be done. But Lord, if Im going to keep pressing on, I need some strength. Like, a heap of it, because Im so tired. In all things Lord, may my actions and words bring glory to your name, so that others may know you and your love. Amen.
Psalm 18:6 But in my distress I cried out to the LORD; yes, I prayed to my God for help. He heard me from his sanctuary; my cry to him reached his ears.